A question I often ask in a therapy session is, “What do you need?” This may be about the session itself – “What do you need from me today?” It may be about a situation we are discussing – “What do you need in this relationship/ workplace/ friendship for it to feel okay for you?” Or it may be about caring for yourself at the end of the therapy session – “What do you need to do to look after yourself as you leave from here today?”
WHY IT MIGHT BE HARD FOR YOU TO KNOW WHAT YOU NEED
Something I have noticed is that many people find this question very hard to answer. There are many reasons why this might be the case. Depending on the culture you grew up in, there may be societal expectations that you will always think of others and not yourself. Sometimes these are gender-based, though not always. Some expectations may come from your family of origin. For example, you may have grown up in a family with a strong work ethic and while this may have brought you some benefits, it may also mean that you find it hard to rest or look after yourself. For some people, this leads to perfectionism which makes it very hard to think about what you need because the drive to be perfect is so strong. Another reason this may be hard for you to answer is if you have experienced trauma especially in your early years. It may have been impossible to think of your needs because you had to focus on the needs of others as the only way of staying safe.
WHY IT IS IMPORTANT TO UNDERSTAND YOUR NEEDS
Learning to understand your needs and to find ways to meet them is important because it can help you to:
- reduce stress
- manage anxiety
- improve wellbeing
- communicate better with others
- improve your relationships
- find peace and calm
EIGHT IDEAS TO HELP YOU IDENTIFY YOUR NEEDS
- Slow down and pause. If you are hurtling through life at breakneck speed, battling with an endless and ever-growing to-do list, trying hard to be perfect, and doing your best never to make a mistake, then you are not going to have a chance to notice your needs let alone meet them. If this sounds like you, the first thing is to be aware of that. If slowing down is hard for you, make it intentional. Link it to a particular trigger – when you start to feel anxious, let that be a reminder to slow down – or plan moments throughout the day when you will choose to pause and check in with yourself. It probably won’t feel easy at first, but with practice it will start to feel more natural.
- Check in with your emotions. Take time to ask yourself… How am I feeling right now? Has anything happened to make me feel that way? If the emotion is a difficult one, is there anything I can change to bring relief, or do I just need to be with that emotion, to allow it to be here? Whatever you are feeling, remind yourself it’s okay to feel and treat yourself with compassion.
- Check in with your body. What am I feeling in my body? Am I tense or relaxed? Are there some parts of my body that are holding particular tension, aches or pain? Are my shoulders hunched? Have I been grinding my teeth? Is my breathing slow and calm or fast and shallow? Would it help to change my posture or have some gentle movement?
- Your toolkit for calm. What usually helps you to feel calm? It’s different for everyone so it’s really important to know yourself and what works best for you. Knowing what you need is easier if you have a sense of what sorts of things usually help you. Think about what has worked before and start a list of things to try when you feel anxious or stressed. Once you have your tried and tested ways as a starting point, see if you can add to the list. Try some new things and see if they work for you. Pay attention to what makes you feel better. It doesn’t have to be complicated – creative activities, getting outside in nature, simple breathing exercises, taking a bath or shower, listening to music, calling a friend… what would you add to the list?
- Blocks and boundaries. What stops you feeling calm? Think about the things that cause you anxiety. Are any of them in your control? Not everything is but there may be some things you can change. Part of understanding your needs is giving yourself permission to change things that aren’t working. What boundaries might you need to put in place? This could mean learning to say no, giving yourself permission to change your mind, or speaking up for yourself when someone has hurt you.
- Write in a journal. This can be in a beautiful notebook if you love stationery as much as I do! Or you could create a document or use a journalling app. The act of writing itself can be calming and it can be a way of stopping yourself from ruminating as you get your thoughts down on paper (or the equivalent using your chosen technology). Journalling can increase self-awareness and help us to understand ourselves and our needs.
- Mindfulness. Using simple mindfulness and meditation practices can help us to get in touch with what we need. You may want to find a mindfulness teacher or group to get you started, or you can use an app or find guided meditations online. I’ve put together a review of mindfulness resources which you may find useful.
- Talk to someone. If life is feeling difficult, reach out for help. You may not know exactly what you need, but talking things through with someone you trust could help you to start feeling clearer about it. You could talk to a friend or family member, or a counsellor if you feel you need more one to one support in a confidential space.
If you would like to find out more about how therapy can help you to become more able to understand your needs and meet them, contact me on hannahflowerscounselling@gmail.com.
