For some people, Mother’s Day is a day of celebration but for others it can be a difficult day. There are many reasons why that might be. Perhaps it’s difficult for you because you are grieving the loss of your mother, or you are estranged from or have a complicated relationship with your mother. Or it might be hard because you long to become a mother but are struggling with infertility, or have experienced miscarriages or the loss of a baby or older child. There may be other reasons, or a combination of reasons why it feels like a tricky day for you.
IT’S OKAY TO FEEL HOW YOU’RE FEELING
If this is how it is for you, then the first step is to acknowledge that and to remind yourself that it’s okay to feel how you are feeling. Grief, loss and emotional distress can be compounded by feelings of guilt for feeling that way. When this happens, it makes the primary feelings so much harder to bear. Not only are we carrying the painful emotions in the first place, but we are also carrying the heavy burden of feeling guilty and berating ourselves for those emotions.
TRY TO BE KIND TO YOURSELF
Try, if you can, to be kind to yourself. Think about what you would say to comfort someone else who was in similar distress. Can you offer yourself the same compassion? Often, our internal voice tells us we shouldn’t be feeling what we’re feeling, that we should stop making a fuss and get over it. I wonder what a difference it would make if we could say to ourselves instead, “It’s okay. You’re doing okay. It hurts and it’s hard and you deserve some care and comfort.”
LIMIT EXPOSURE TO TRIGGERS
It might also help to notice if there’s anything you could do to limit your exposure to things that trigger those feelings of distress. Mother’s Day marketing is everywhere and we can’t avoid it entirely, but maybe there are small things that you could do to reduce the impact. Some companies offer the choice to opt out of Mother’s Day emails. That may help a bit, and it’s also okay to step away from social media for a few days if you need to.
PLAN SOME TREATS FOR YOURSELF
Something else you could try is planning some nice treats for yourself on Mother’s Day and the days before and after. If part of your sadness is that you don’t have a mother, or mother figure, who takes care of you, can you try to give yourself some of what you need, and perhaps also what you needed back then in your childhood? Paying attention to those younger parts of ourselves, sometimes referred to as the “inner child”, and learning to give them what they need, can be a healing process for many people. This also links to getting in touch with our playfulness and creativity which can help to calm us when we are feeling distressed.
PRACTISE MINDFULNESS TO BUILD ACCEPTANCE
Another thing to try is using mindfulness meditations to help build awareness and acceptance of emotions. Becoming mindfully aware of our feelings and learning to accept them is an important step towards finding peace even in difficult circumstances.
YOU ARE NOT ALONE
Finally, remember you are not alone. Many people find Mother’s day difficult and, if you can, find someone to talk to who understands what you are feeling. This could be someone who shares your experience, or just someone who is a good listener and will try their best to understand. This could be a friend, family member or perhaps a therapist.
If you would like to find out more about how therapy can help you to become more aware of and accept your feelings, and to learn to take care of yourself more, contact me on hannahflowerscounselling@gmail.com.
